My Open Letter To Iowahawk

With almost breathless anticipation I sent the following missive in support of the Dave Burge for President effort.

Mr Burge,

I too am infected with Iowahawk for President fever, but sadly I am just too busy to commit to any position in Washington. Who knows, maybe things will slow down during your second term.

However, I am not above looking for a quick buck, so in the spirit of Mitt Romney's makeup consultant I offer my services as a "Campaign Theme Music Consultant". And, you know what? I trust your judgement so much I'm willing to do the work on spec.

1. Previous campaigns have relied primarily on a single campaign theme song. This is a horrible mistake. To begin with, such a tactic dooms your most loyal campaign workers to hearing the same song over and over again until reality begins to blur with fantasy and the only release is a blood soaked rampage that can play havoc on campaign fundraising efforts. This is known in professional Music Consultant circles as the "It's A Small World After All" effect.

It must also be remembered that each stop on the campaign trail tends to be longer then the length of time it takes to play the campaign theme song. This sets up a dangerous situation where the candidate is expected to fill up the time by actually speaking to the crowd, thus increasing the chances not only of a gaffe but also of a really uncomfortable silence if the crowd turns out to be particularly dim or unattractive. You would then have to spend the entire bus trip to the next town telling reporters that you thought the crowd at the last stop had a "really good personality."

2. To combat these drawbacks I propose multiple theme songs! Not only will this spare you and your campaign workers the needless psychic trauma of song repetition, but local municipalities will spend much less on blood soaked crime scene clean-up costs. It is just another way the Iowahawk campaign is financially sound.

Now on to the music!

3. The first theme song should cement you as the dangerous outsider who, while still really dangerous and all, you wouldn't mind seeing your buxom college aged daughter get an internship with at the White House. To that end I suggest "Running With The Devil" by Van Halen, because it is loud enough to scare old people but it is sung by
David Lee Roth who would probably rather be making Beach Boys covers anyway. So see, the best of both worlds.

4. The second song I have in mind plays to your Iowa roots. It is "In Heaven There Is No Beer" which according to every statistical analysis ever made is the best way to reach out to the broadest range of Lutherans possible.

5. At that point I'm afraid we may have reached the limits of our campaign music budget, since the goal is not to enrich ASCAP or BMI...because, let's face it, those bastards are keeping "WKRP in Cincinnati" from being released on DVD with the original music. It is an abomination that I hope you are able to address when you pack the Supreme Court. Oh no, they won't get another dime when Burge is the boss!!! To that end, I suggest we come up with funny lyrics to a song in the public domain. I'm leaning towards "The Camptown Ladies" because it always struck me as slightly dirty. "Do Da" indeed.

On to victory!

Rich Horton of The Iconic Midwest

P.S. I thought up a possible campaign slogan and I wanted to run it by you as well:

Burge '08, "I Promise You The Check Is In The Mail"